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Nalgenes do not impress me

It has been rumoured by many  that Nalgene water bottles were pretty much indestructible.  On their site in their support section you can read of the Nalgene warranty program.  If you break one of their bottles you can send it in to get one back.  On a lazy Monday afternoon one of my friends reminded me of the supposed Nalgene invincibility.  This, of course, inspired me to try and destroy one.  Obviously I couldn't just get a gun and shoot one, because that would just be too easy and you really can't expect a polycarbonate bottle to withstand gunfire.  Therefore I stuck to things that could actually happen in real life.

First, I thought of where people might go with their Nalgene bottle. If I went to a gym to workout instead of just sitting in my room and working out I would probably take a water bottle.  Obviously I would take a Nalgene bottle to contain my delicious workout beverage of choice, fruit punch gatorade.  I took the Nalgene and placed it on the ground.  I grabbed my 50 pound dumbbell raised it to about 3 feet and let it drop directly on the bottle.  Much to my surprise there was no more than a small dent in my Nalgene.  This was astonishing.  The Nalgene really started to make me into a believer.  Most people would never drop more than one 50 pound weight on their Nalgene bottle.  For the sake of science I continued onwards.  I dropped the 50 pound weight several times on the Nalgene.  The first dent was probably the worst and the rest just made other smaller dents in the bottle.  This truly amazing discovery had to be spread.

I ran to my friends' suite and showed them my crushed but still intact Nalgene.  We decided the next thing to do would be pretend we were playing some outdoor sports.  First we had to test for swinging sports.  If you were playing golf, baseball or even cricket you would definitely want to have your Nalgene close by and filled with a delicious, refreshing beverage.  A few swings at the Nalgene with a yard stack again proved fruitless.  The 50 pound weight was still the most destructive.

What if you took your Nalgene to a football game and several large men accidentally trampled your Nalgene.  Obviously there should be many Nalgenes filled with Gatorade on the field to quench the athlete's thirts, but could they withstand the beating of a football team.  To test this we proceded to stomp on the Nalgene full force.  At first this did nothing more than but very large dents in the bottle.  The lid was very difficult to remove and so we decided to test it's capability to hold water.  It was a bit leaky but had to be heavily shaken to get more than a few drops out.  The Nalgene was starting to wear out.  It's end was in sight.  Just one swift stomp to the water filled, battered Nalgene was all it took.  Water gushed out of the lid and out of the freshly popped hole at the bottom of the the bottle.  Our goal was accomplished.  The Nalgene bottle had about a half inch hole in the bottom.  It was now useless as a water bottle

Nalgenes are kind of worthless now.  What if I need to carry my bottle through stampedes of bulls? What if I need to drop multiple heavy weights on my water bottle? Obviously the Nalgene is not the choice for these situations.  I will be sending back my worthless Nalgene in hopes of getting some more that will not have the terrible manufacturing defects this bottle so obviously had.

Cryptorchidism

If you were to look up this word in a dictionary or encyclopedia you would find out that it refers to the medical condition where one or both testes do not drop into the scrotum. You would think somehing like this is very uncommon, but alas it is not. I today found a vast array of men that suffer from at least a unilateral version of this birth defect. The people I am speaking of more commonly would be told to “grow some balls,” “don’t be a pussy,” or “get a pair.” These are people that are way more bark than bite.

Now, what exactly is all this referring to? Well sit down and prepare for quite a story. In a later post I will talk about a crazy game that took place here at Cornell, but it is not of great importance to understand this. During the game a bet was made between two people in the amount of 20 dollars; lets call them Tom and Nicole. Now the bet was, as far as anyone knows, officially made and if it was made it is 100% clear that Tom won the bet. Unfortunately we quickly learned that Nicole was certifiably insane. Without too much poking and proding in the forms of a couple phone calls and asking once in person, a restraining order was soon put out. A restraining order over 20 dollars?!? Yes, that’s correct. Nicole put a restraining order on Tom and some of his friends over a 20 dollar bet. Almost immediately an idea that had been thrown around for a few days became a reality.

The local Kinko’s got a visit from two other people; let’s call them Joe and Cecile. Joe and Cecile thought it would be quite funny to make over 400 flyers asking “Where are Tom’s 20 Dollars?” Money was exchanged and a very hefty stack of flyers was in their possesion. Joe and Cecile felt the excitement of the prank starting. The idea for this had been floating around for some time and the night before the final design was displayed. There were only a few dissenters, mainly those mentioned on Nicole’s restraining order. However, it seemed they would be safe and this would just make for a good amount of laugther. Of course, life is never that simple.

Once it was made clear Joe was not bluffing and actually had in his possesion the 400 flyers, the group opinion quickly strengthened. Small snickers and comments of “that isn’t a good idea,” quickly changed to meetings discussing how to stop Joe from implenting the prank. The group decided they could not be inconvenienced in any way and so decided the entire prank had to be nixed. They all did everything in their power to ruin the event and eventually even announced it publically to make sure it couldn’t happen secretly. It quickly became apparent to Joe that a large number of the group suffered from cryptorchidism. There was no way this many people could be afraid of a small confrontation that would end in no harm to them without them all suffering from this birth defect.

So now Joe is out the cost of 400 flyers and has 400 totally useless sheets of paper. Fortunately several people were diagnosed with cryptorchidism and might be able to fix this problem. If Joe thinks of anything interesting to do with 400 flyers, I’m sure it’ll end up here.

College is still high school

In high school there are always those kids that believe they are better than everyone else. These are the people that will take any little thing and poke fun at it for no better reason than to try and hurt someone and get a small laugh out of it. More commonly they are referred to as bullies. In college I’ve had the experience that for the most part these kind of people are separated enough from the people they would bully that it isn’t a huge deal. However, they have the desire in them and when given the opportunity they wouldn’t pass it up for anything.

So, last night my friends and I were out participating in Zombies vs. Humans. We are some of the only zombies left and had just gotten some exciting tags. We got on the bus to try and get some more tags and therefore still had our bandanas on around our foreheads. I’m personally a fan of this look, but some random freshman on the bus was not. His first reaction was to point out how he thought that the bandanas showed our support for “Gay Pride.” He then proceeded to tell me how he thought this made me a faggot. Now, I am not gay, but much to his surprise I was well prepared with a response for this gay bashing freshman.

“So what’s wrong if I enjoy fucking men in the ass?!?” was my immediate response to such an immature, ignorant comment. Now, most of these thick headed fools would never expect for a rebuttal like that. Of course one of my fellow zombies had a huge ego as well and would take such deliquent behavior from freshman especially. His best line came after a smug remark about him wearing gloves. “No, these gloves are so I don’t break my hand when I punch you in the face.” I’m glad that both of us stood up to these jerks, even though they’ll go back and tell all their friends we probably ran away scared. I hope that some day they’ll grow up or learn to use more intelligent insults.